Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
