We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
