don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
