Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
