Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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