I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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