idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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