saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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