Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
