my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
