ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
