I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
