is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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