I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
