I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
