those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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