Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
