Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
