I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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