He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
