We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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