Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
