I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
