I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
