he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
NoShamevember. You game?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize