he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
