I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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