So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
