My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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