Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize