I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
stop calling my apartment porn island.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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