Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Randomize
