There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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