he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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