I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sorry about my life...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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