When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
