yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
