i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
