I showed him my bush... on skype.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
