ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
