In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
