what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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