Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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