I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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