The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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