I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
