She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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