I got chris browned last night
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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