The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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