i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
