I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
