you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize