Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
