How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
