I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Randomize