apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
