tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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