I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
