I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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