I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
