I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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