Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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